One Eye Open

We've all heard that moms sleep with one eye open and it's VERY true. My first born son, Ryan, has always slept in the bed with us (I'll save this story for another day) and I remember vividly waking up several times a night to make sure the covers were not over his head, a pillow wasn't smothering him, and that he wasn't being squished by Mike. And when he got older and could roll over and move around more, I'd have to check to make sure the pillow next to him was still there shielding him from falling on the floor (when Mike wasn't home). Like I said, Ryan is now almost 5 and I think I used the pillow as a shield until only a few months ago when I finally realized he wasn't going to fall on the floor...I still wake up to make sure though and will often move him towards the center of the bed. When you have an infant and later a child in the bed with you, somehow as a mother, you just know how to sleep safely with them...you position yourself in a way that, although may be uncomfortable for you, assures the safety for your child...and you stay PUT the entire night!

Well, when Colin was born I was bound and determined to keep him out of our bed (he wouldn't have fit in there anyways) so I sleep trained him from the beginning (something I'd never done w/Ryan b/c I didn't know I needed to). This was not easy and took 6 months before he finally settled down and slept through the night. The problem w/Colin was that he was borderline colicky/extremely fussy. It started 2 weeks after he was born. He never wanted to be put down for more than a few minutes so I couldn't get anything done...no cleaning, cooking...I was lucky to get a shower but it was always with a screaming Colin at the foot of the tub. He was just a very restless infant (still is today) who needed constant attention and couldn't stand to be alone. My neighbor had a baby boy the same time as I had Colin and he was exact opposite as Colin...easy going like you wouldn't believe...sometimes you wouldn't even notice him cause he was so quiet. She could put him on the floor and he'd lay there looking around for an hour and then fall asleep...this was never Colin. And nights with Colin were a total nightmare. For 6 months, I went to bed the same Colin did ever night b/c I never knew what our night might be like. 5 out of 7 nights were bad and exhausting. It wasn't so much that he was waking up and crying a ton...that wasn't really the problem. The problem was that trying to get him back down after nursing him was impossible. I'd nurse him for 1/2 hour (and I'd literally time this on my watch...15 min. each side) but could never put him right down afterwards. He'd be asleep but it was a restless sleep (he's always been a very restless child) and I could never put him down like that cause he'd wake up crying immediately. Instead, I'd have to rock him or sway back and forth until his body finally went limp...and this usually took 1/2 hour, so I'd be up with him for over an hour usually each time he woke up at night. It was the weirdest thing...he'd be asleep in my arms, but he'd be moving all over the place...kicking his legs, shrugging his shoulders, moving his head...it was crazy. And I relied heavily on routine during those days (still do). If I found one night that he went down ok after being limp for 10 minutes then literally I'd do it that way until it didn't work anymore. I counted 10 minutes in my head every night, several times a night when he was waking up multiples times to nurse. I couldn't use my watch cause of course the lights had to be off and I couldn't see it in the dark...so I had to count. It was crazy I know, but when you're desperate, you do crazy things. Remember how I used to time each side w/my watch? A few times I couldn't find my watch or it would drop on the floor and I'd just about freak out b/c it had to be exactly so many minutes per side (I nursed him w/the light on)...it was the only thing I could control during those days and if I lost it in any way, I'd freak until I got it back. Anyways, at 6 months, when he could finally sit up on his own and was eating solids, he finally slept through the night 7 days a week and he's been a GREAT night sleeper since (naps are a different story...another nightmare to this day...ask Julie).

But, when you've had a colicky baby, it literally leaves you mentally scarred and anytime your baby does something out of the ordinary it immediately brings you right back to those nightmarish days when there was no end in sight and you were beside yourself. It's been about 1.5 yrs since Colin and I braved through his first 6 months of life (and for me, I feel like we fought a battle together and won...prayer is the only thing that saved us) and you'd think by now I'd be mentally over those terribly difficult times. But, I'm not...I seriously have PTSD...it takes a huge toll on you. Every now and then Colin doesn't want to go into his crib at night and put himself to sleep...he wants me to rock him either to sleep or til he's really drowsy. And every now and then he'll wake up in the night and cry out...sometimes it's literally for a second and sometimes it lasts a minute or two. But whenever any of these things happen, my heart literally skips a beat (especially when it's the middle of the night). I can't help but think "oh no, are we going to have another sleepless night?" I know this isn't the case (that took me a while to figure out too), and that sometimes when he won't go down in his crib w/out being rocked that perhaps he just wants some snuggle time w/mommy. And I don't freak out as much as I used to about it, but I still get nervous. It happened just last night. Colin woke up at 3:39 am crying (really screaming) and I jumped up out of bed, ran to his door and just listened...literally praying to God that he'd work it out himself and I wouldn't have to go in there and get him back to sleep, b/c then I'm afraid that all our hard work getting him to sleep on his own would be ruined and we'd have to start all over...and I know this is ludicrous and not true, but I can't help feeling this way. And thankfully w/in a min. or two, he quieted down and fell back asleep (maybe he had a nightmare or something). But then I worry about his blankets b/c I know they're not on him...will he be cold...should I go in there and put them back on him? In the end I just leave it be and lay in bed trying to get back to sleep...with one eye open!